A Lion In A Cage

Lion In A Cage

 

It’s clear to some and maybe a total a surprise to others that the last month…perhaps the last 3 months have been particularly difficult for me. My soul is battling.

I brave a smile and full on depression hasn’t taken hold yet. I fight it with every breath I take. It’s like a monster that lingers under my bed. A vampire in the shadows that follows me, waiting for a weak moment to makes its move and drain me of my life force. The boogeyman of depression is a constant threat to me and I know it. It waits at my door.

It’s good that I am aware of it’s evil and ever near presents in my life. Keeps me on toes and ready to fight but it’s exhausting. This type of fight, the one that gets no rest…makes one beyond tired.

Not many people get the war that I’m in and I’m glad for that because it’s a dark, sinking place to be in. What it’s like to have to protect myself from such a threat, day in and day out, even in my dreams… To force happy thoughts or believe in hope, when I have none some days.  I’m sure to some I can seem to be a complete basketcase, absolutely mental, an over-emotional cry baby, so ungrateful. I know what people must think of me. But they have no clue the cage that I pace circles in.

 


 

 

I’ve been on high alert for the last two weeks. My counselor that I speak to once a week now has decided she needs some back. I understand her concern after all I have though same concerns myself. I’m now getting text messages asking how I’m feeling randomly throughout the day and tips how to maintain positivity just to get through the week. I’m getting more “homework” then I was before…I guess in away this is all good but I can’t help but feel like I have taken a giant leap backwards.

I have two counseling/ life coaching appointments this weeks as well and I’m thankful I did. I knew I slipping but I didn’t want to show it. My homework was to take 10 minutes to sit outside and think about things I am great about…particularly when it comes to living here in this home, since I feel so “homeless”, “unrooted”, and “unsure”… of everything.

What was suppose to be a few words, turned into a 4 page, roaring outcry of emotion, feelings, questions and even hope.

What is this life of mine? What the hell am doing? I wonder this offen. Why am I this sad, uncontent person? I have things to be happy about and thankful for, so why do I feel like this? What is wrong with me? Am I the only one who ever feels like this? Do other people ever look at their life and see so much beauty and love and yet feel so tortured still? Am I broken?

 


 

 

Here’s what I wrote today and what happened after my counseling appointment this morning.

MY WRITING

Sitting outside this morning I was to reflect and have some time to myself, Doc’s orders. I tired to think about this place, where I live now and what I like about it. The truth is, I’m grateful for all of it, even if I’m lonely, isolated and my body is betraying me. I completely understand not everyone can own a home on 4 1/2 acres, in any area, let alone in the Pine Barrens of NJ. It was a miracle we were able to save up enough money as we did, in such a short amount of time and I’m so proud of that work and effort because it wasn’t easy.  We don’t live in a house that is up to our standards of living (Our Colorado home) and truth is we most likely never will as long as we follow this “Jason’s Company” road but I can say I am glad we don’t have a Landlord anymore. As I sit outside, I wonder why I’m so uncontent with my life? I miss the view of sky. I have so many trees and I believed they would make me happy. Remind me of my “home” (Colorado) but now I can’t see the sky and I miss it. I wish often we could go back and be patience with our decisions, like we were in Colorado. Have time to think things through even when it was hard and we thought we’d never get out of our tough times…we had time to think about of next move. That time is gone now. We are also pushed, hurried into a decision and we do our best even if it isn’t the right choice. I don’t like that. Even with our extra time, which we needed so badly this time around to find a home and it was approved… we only had banked owned homes to see and our choices were limited…everything is always limited. It was overwhelming, hurried, and we settled with what we had shown to us. I think we might have made a different choice if we weren’t so pushed and running out of time. I always feel pushed, limited and stuck. Year after year, it’s the same thing, we do it all over again and it makes you weary and tired. But in our limited choices, I cannot say we made the best choice or not, I simply don’t know. Only time will tell. We are far in over our heads I do believe and that stresses me out. A regret I will have, I guess. It wears on me mental to know this is always how it will be forever as long as “Jason’s Company” owns us, makes our choices, tells us when and where to go. What I like about this home is the deer that I see almost daily. How free they are to come and go as they please. I’m glad my kids have bedrooms they like and can make them their rooms their own. We’re in a beautiful area here, in a small town but due to the shut-down here in NJ, it’s made it hard to get invested, get out there and see it all, be apart of anything. It’s hard to make this place feel like ours, a home during a pandemic. I’m not sure I agree with the handling of this State and it makes me anxious, scared and even sick at times but I’m here now and have no choice but to deal with it. I feel hopeful that the Schools and Teachers are good in our area. Fall sports haven’t been canceled and G will have that still. Maybe churches will be able to open soon again too? I hope to meet people and some opportunities will open up for me through my kids activities. I can only pray this freedom isn’t taken away from us too. I’m thankful for my kids, even my husband, though he doesn’t understand my position at all but I do think he wants to. I am still thankful for him. He does want me to be happy but not at the expense of his career. These things clash often. I don’t understand it myself. This leaves me feeling ungrateful at times, frustrated, and very unsure of myself. What is it I want? I think I need to do some deep thinking about this. If I can’t know what happiness looks like for me, then how will he know? If I don’t trust myself than how can anyone? I’m hopeful September will be better. Many things to come, hopefully good. School will start, even if only half days and in limited amounts. Something is better than nothing. Fall sports for G will be good and friendship hopefully to be made. My phy. Therapy and solving some mysteries going on in my body. Churches may open in some capacity, I hope. I can only pray this leads to relationships, friendship, making a home, freedom, roots, breathing a different type of air. Being able to find the answer to these questions and putting them to rest. I hope.  


 

I read these words to my Counselor and she thanked me for sharing and being so open. The day before I had not been. I had trouble forming a sentence so yes, this was better.

What we conclude was the word HOPE. It’s true, I am hopefully and wrote the word hopefully many times because I am. It’s all I have some days. I hold on the hope and so we focused on that for a bit and spoke about it.

Then it came to what holds me back. She describes me a Loin in a cage. I do feel like way. I’ve made my own choices before and now I don’t. I know the taste of freedom, coming and going, knowing the comforts of a place that I’m well familiar with. Having dinner with friends and family, meeting up for a quick happy hour or planning a BBQ! Earning a pay at a place you worked hard to get a position at! Decorating a home and making it your own, planting a garden, a patio that’s your morning coffee place. Watching your kids play in a yard or ride bikes with their friends, I know that feeling. I miss it… I miss it so badly that it consumes.

 

Heartbreaking images of caged lions, bears and guinea pigs who survive only on scraps given to them by an elderly couple at the world's saddest zoo in Armenia.

 

A Lion that once was wild and then was captured and trapped. After years of this, the Lion changes. She became sad, depressed and misses her home. Her body and mind changes from the stress of her new life, from the sadness she feels remembering what it use to be. She distracts herself by taking care of her family but that never relieve her from her deepest pain because her nature is to be free and thrive. Even once the bars are removed the Lion doesn’t leave because her mind and soul have been so changed, so paralyzed, she is now in a mental cage. Now the Lion paces back and forth in her mental prison that she’ll never escape, searching for her freedom, to be wild once again.

The work I am suppose to do this week is to make a space for myself on our small patio. Buy some plants and do what I would normally do if I were in Colorado, back at “home”. I am supposed to include my daughter in this to show her how to make a special place for herself. A place to reflect, to journal, to get back to Earth and to pray.

When I was ask what would stop me from doing this? I answered back that, mentally I would stop myself. I just don’t “think” like I use too.  I don’t do anything like I once did. I’m a shadow of who a was. Jason might stop me because financial, money is always easier to spend when he is the one spending it. And we always have other things to do that have nothing to do with me but somehow I get dragged into it…all the time. Then the guilt gets put on me. Jason is good at guilt… even his mom would say, she taught him well and that she sure did!

Next thing you know, the plans I have to take the day to do  A…B and whatever, is now picking ticks and mites off my body because he wants to cut trees down and pile them and other trash around our house. It takes all day to do 2 trees in this forest. I end up with a lifetime of scars from this bugs.

The easy stuff like mowing, picking up trash and debris and weed wacking, he won’t spend the weekend doing that with Tristan? Leave the big boy stuff the the professionals. This is getting frustrating.

Lost…in someone else’s plans…someone else’s life. This Lion is hopefully and that all I have today is hope.

 

 

sk

 

 

11 thoughts on “A Lion In A Cage

  1. You’re not by yourself. Here lately I’ve been pretty discouraged with this whole blogging thing to the post of feeling deletion is the only acceptable option.

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    1. One of my homework assignments is to either write down or make a vision broad of everything that makes me happy or brings me joy. It sounded so generic at first but I think it’s a good idea and then going over it everyday just like I pray. Maybe doing something like that would help you? Who knows…. I do miss you post either way 💛

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      1. I can’t really explain how I feel. As much as I’ve tried to help, I feel like most of the people have went on their way and I’m not even thought of. I’m not here for me, but it hurts when you’re “just someone”. It’s really hard to explain.

        Strange people and weird followers never help. I’ve had 4-5 poetry blogs and as much as people say how great my poetry is nobody pays my poetry blogs any attention. This blog only gets attention when I post other than biblical stuff. Which you can either read or don’t…

        Sometimes it’d be so great to just delete it…

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      2. I didn’t know about another blog, Only the one… The Eclectic Contrarian- I know my own blog has slowed down a great deal since this “update” with WP. Even blogs I once followed I can’t find now. My blog post are even a mess and never publish the way I originally write them… very frustrating! At this point I only write when my soul gets full and I need an outlet. I hope people will read it and care but it’s for me mostly anymore. It’s always good to see my favorite people and it’s sad to see them fade away. I hope you stay. You’re important.

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      3. Well, you figure you’re posts and writing out and I’ll be waiting to read them. Whether it’s your thoughts, poetry or you just want to pour the hot mess in your heart out. Only the people who want to will make sense of it and stick with you.

        I’ve had 4-5 poetry blogs but they only last a couple weeks because after the initial rush nobody returns. And all the funk that goes with it gets annoying. I’m about solidly convinced it’s not a Gods will for me to post my poetry.

        I can’t write for me… one thing about me is that I’m not a people pleaser but I feel like I have to be connecting with people on here. And I can imagine that I’m not easy to follow but am I worth it?

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      4. I think you are will worth it! I appreciate you and your kindness. To me your writing has a divine purpose and only the enemy makes you weary. Don’t give in. You too my friend are reaching the right people. I trust in this. Have you ever heard that the only Jesus some people ever see is in us. I believe that your writing is that Jesus.

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  2. I don’t know if this will help at all but do you ever stop to think of all the military wives, and what they have to put up with? Or how about the wives of truck drivers that are away days on end? Sometimes it does help to put things into perspective by looking at what some others have to deal with, because although circumstances aren’t always as we would ideally like them to be, they could be a lot worse and sometimes we can easily overlook the things we still do have, just because they are not the way that they used to be. Just a thought. May God’s grace, peace and blessings be with you and yours.

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    1. I do think about this often. My sister is a military wife and mother of a special needs child. I know that there are others with situations that are “tougher” than might may seem. I remember a wise person in one of my old Bible studies telling me that if we all threw our troubles into a hat and we could grab a new trouble out leaving our troubles behind most people would grab their old troubles back. I think about most often.

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      1. I agree about considering what others have to endure. It does help to be mindful of the grace that we are given, even in our difficulties. One day at a time, you’ll make it! Blessings.

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